fajar zakhri | why does falling in love feel like lightning forking through the body

November 10, 2017

an unfortunate turn of events
when could-be lovers remain permanent friends
not out of impossibility
but vanity that knows no bounds
these are the eventual predicaments
from failed attempts and false starts
the perpetual cycle of wounded hearts
their scars show with pride
sometimes

it’s nuisance
to bury these feelings underground
when they’re ready to soar up like the flight
that took you to another island
a little over a month ago
and how was i to know
i’d be the one stranded
in a far-off lagoon
it’s always lasting impression
left by those who leave too soon

island of gods they say
i’m not much of a believer
but lately i’ve been praying
‘give me love,
give me a reason to carry on,
give me something to put some faith on’
i just wander around this tunnel
this endless loop
of jaded souls
and romanticize them
in one fell swoop

make poems even
when they can barely string a sentence
quite as coherent
in a language rarely spoken
i doubt you would listen
if i told you i’ve been having trouble sleeping
because in my head i keep remembering
your voice that early morning
whispering
‘i think i should be leaving’
and forgot to take your cups
it’s a case of you i’ve been drinking
and it’s still not enough

but what is enough
where do you draw the line
if you did they escape my sight
you draw so well it calms your mind
when i’ve been drawing apart
crafting words
that await in the deep
and what i gave you
will always be yours to keep
and it warms my heart to know you wear it
but you can forget that i ever did
if i happen to read too much into it

i’ve been talking with my friend
who chalks up our reluctance to love
to our fear of abandonment
we’ve been building walls as defenses
and burning all the bridges
not walking anymore
because climbing is the way to go

and you should know
i’ve been trading jokes with your ex-boyfriend
sharing secrets with your ex best friend
all these people who were once in your life
i’ve been stealing pieces of you from
piece by piece i gather in a holy shrine
piece by piece i try to make mine
but i know you belong to no one

and maybe none of us deserves this
maybe we were never meant for each other
and if we were meant to grow together
we’d have to do it separately
and until the lightning stops striking
the wind lets go of the howling
and i no longer fight the hurricane
i can learn to love again
and not be doomed to one-sided romance

but until then...