fajar zakhri | delirium

September 26, 2017

words by: Fajar Zakhri

lately i've been running around
telling my friends
how much you broke me
but that's only scraping the surface
they'll never know the depths i went to
and perhaps not even you
i've been telling things
detached from all the feelings
that used to shroud me in holy white
then cast me away in blue

remember how you used to surround me
there were days when i found it hard to breathe
every breath would be taken
in hopes to bring you near
and i would breathe with all my might
i would pray for love to come out alright
i would close my eyes
and pray so hard

lately i've been running around
down the memory lane
sometimes i look over the bends
wishing to find you again
the idea of rekindling an old flame
burns without notice
when the ember flickers

fails to extinguish
where is the water
to rip the tide
need water to break the waves
in this aching heart

remember when i said
suppose you were an ocean
i'd want to drown in you
well i've been coming up for air
after all those days of voluntary sinking
after all those nights i went all the way in
fading into you
sometimes i miss you
and your 4am self
sometimes i miss you
and all of our friends
but there's no mending to these cracks
i leave them open
and build a wall instead

i'll be disarmed every now and then
but tonight i'm stripped off of my defense

would be easy to paint you in black and white
when you've been full color
would be easy to pull the victim card
you are the fool i am the jilted lover
when none of it was a game

somebody said you're out of everyone's league
when the team's the same
whose ball are you handling
whose net was it caught in
when for a moment we were interwoven
you got tangled up i got heartbroken
you gave it all up i begged for consolation
but there's no losing the match
only learning the lesson

and i learned that
it wasn't going to be you
or him
or him
or him
or him
i might have felt everything
but anything plus zero
only amounts to square one
so i removed myself from the equation
and surrendered to the great divide
i gave it all up too

but i'll remember who i was
all starstruck love-ridden wide-eyed
i'll remember staring at the sky
watching the stars collide
i will

remember when i saw you for who you could be
i've since averted my gaze
redirected my sight
now i don't want to see anything
in anyone
i will recognize you
i'll just keep my mind shut
and i guess almost will do
it will be just enough

last night i went to the place
you left to that morning
i saw you in a different light
it almost felt like putting a dot
to these turns of phrase
scribbled on your behalf
it almost felt like the last call
it almost felt like drawing the blinds

remember i loved you so
and we almost got it right

Image c/o Alexander Jowett