holding the man | poetry

June 18, 2018

words by: Fajar Zakhri

Holding the Man, a Poetry for Pride Month - Globetrotter Magazine.jpg

Holding The Man

That early morning
We were sucking out tainted air
Breathing through corrupted lungs
You wiping tears from last night
Me feigning nonchalance

Playing the bigger person
When in other times I would
Feel miniscule
I barely made a dent
And you had just become a friend

I was barely making amends
Not coming to terms
With anything just yet

That early morning
We were trying to apprehend
The love shared between two men
Through thick and thin
Sinewy muscles
Skeletal bones
I could not help but feel alone
And surrounded at the same time
Could not get the thought of him
Could not get him out of my mind

I was thinking
How i would have held him right
For all seconds minutes hours
We could have been together
And by the time it was over
Years would have slipped faster
Than the weight lost to the skin we’re under
Burdens collected and combined
Thoughts regenerated
Coming full circle
With all the edges refined
I swear I would have held him down

And I would have been
At his family’s kitchen table
Chopping down memories
Letting them simmer
Boiled to perfecion
Peppered with seasonings
In low pressure
Rounded them up on the dining table
Devoured them in silence
Before the clinking of glasses
A toast in his honour

Then I remember
When I was younger
How I lived with wide-eyed wonder
Until i turned blasé
All the promises of youth
Spelt little to no truth
As love becomes passé
Oh the sights I’ve seen
I stare at them with jaded glare
Or turn away sneering

But that early morning
I saw love in a different light
Before it was dimmed completely
Somebody stole the lightbulbs
Installed them somewhere else
With brand new wattage
Left me old and brooding
Cold to everything
With all my blues brewing

And that early morning
You walked up to your car
Told me to tell them goodbye
I said, thank you for the good times
You almost stayed over, remember?
We've had better times since then
Got up on stage and played with the band
You went on to love a good girl
I’ve since held on to a different man

And I’m holding him still